cutting the cord

let's talk about families for a moment. when we are young our family unit is the end all, be all of our existence. our entire universe. one can always count on one's family to be there, thick and thin. as we age, we can still count on them in times of trouble to help us out of a jam in any way they can. we ask less and less of them and they of us, but this doesn't lessen the bonds of familial relations. it's enough to know they're with you if need be. that said...

i've always been an independant person. my mom used to say even as a baby i didn't like to be held for long and would go straight as a board when enough holding had been done. this theme has really continued throughout my life. i've always been ok on my own, entertainng myself by reading, writing or, other activities. i've always like to be able to have the freedom to do "it" myself. i've always thought this was and is, the best way to be.

my parents disagree. seemingly.

i just concluded my weekly MSN chat with them. we always meet up faithfully between the hour of 9 and 10, to fill each other on what's up in our respective neck of the woods. usually, the caht is almost formulaic...i talk about the highlights of the week, what i did on the weekend using a slightly edited version reserved just for them. they talk about their week, the weather, who's just been married or, had a baby from my graduating class, etc...pretty banal, really. still, it's nice to chat with them and i think they enjoy it as well.

a few weeks ago, i told them leesh and i weren't coming home for CNY. i explained the reasons as monetary and they said it was understandable albeit disappointing news. tonight, the subject came up again only this time they weren't so understanding. without rehashing the entire discussion, let's just say i tried to make them see my points, and they tried to make me see theirs. this continued on for about 10 minutes when the real motive behind the conversation reared its' ugly head.

"we don't understand why you want to go back anyway. the point in going was to save money and you've saved next to nothing, so you should just come back and find a job here."

i said earlier i am an independant person, this is true in all aspects except one; money. i'm about to share something with you all of which i'm not proud. my name is ryan. i'm 28 and still have to borrow money from my parents. it's am embarassing fact, but a fact nonetheless. i'm not talking about vast sums of money, but if anything comes up out of the range of my normal range, i usually make the cal to dear ol' mom and dad to help out.

the truth is, i'm terrible with my money. i have no idea how to save it and can't say no to anyone , including myself. i know i need to make changes and i'm trying.

my point is emerging, i promise.

my gripe is that although i do depend on my parents financially from time to time, does this give them the right to tell me how to live my life? i'm sounding like a spoiled brat, i know, but it's hard for me to put my feelings into words. it's not that i enjoy asking and borrowing their money...maybe it's because i know they will help and it's too easy. i don't want them to believe i can't make it in the world without their guidance because good or bad, the decisions i make are just that...my decisions. i guess what i truly want from them, the only thing i think i've ever wanted from the is respect and support the things i do in life. more than their money, more than their understanding because it's fine if they don't get the how and why as understanding isn't the same as the ability to respect.

i love my parents very much but i'm cutting the cord, at least in monetary matters. i feel better just typing those words. the conversatoin we had tonight was awful and i don't ever want a repeat. ever. it's up to me now to prove to them i don't need their money, or them to make any decisions. i would like it if they could just support and love me...and that's all i want.