despair

i am unhappy today, actually i was really angry before. i feel like i'm not myself and i know it's the whole non-drinking/non-smoking thing but that is precisely the problem. it's shocking how intimately intertwined these two things were in my life, which sadly speaks very lowly of me. i just want the first weekend in february to get so i can go out and get drunk. high school drunk. i was fine with everything until today and now for some reason, it's bothering the hell out of me....what's the matter with me? i feel like i've lost something, some intangible and fundamental piece of my personality. i think it's the fact that i have an intrinsic need to be social and that i'm not exercising this need i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. clumsy, awkward. shit, how can drinking be who i am? GASP! what if i am only drinking!? i mean, that would explain why my friends don't seem interested in doing anything...if i'm only drinking that would mean that they are only drinking buddies...when it comes down to it, what do we actually have in common with one another? i don't play any sports, or instruments. i don't collect anything, nor am i a particular expert on any one subject...although i do know a little bit about a lot of things. good for conversation, but what's the use when you don't have anyone to tell it to? oh god, i'm coming apart at the social seams. i've become a social pariah! no, it's not me it's them...they are the one's who have changed...i can't take this, living in this bizarro world...can't wait until the universe is put right again soon...only 6 more sober days and the lock up your children taipei 'cos here i come.

(sorry if this seems scary. it just sort of fell out of my head through my fingers. )